her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Randomize
