bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
