like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
