its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
