Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
