I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
i now understand why vodka
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