in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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