I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
