He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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