i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
