i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
