how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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