So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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