...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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