I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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