Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
