we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
All the doctor said was why
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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