The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
