I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
