the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
