yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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