I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
come find me please
why do cheetos always look like penises
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.