half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.