just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
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it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
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Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.