i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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