Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
