saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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