Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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