kristin has been a bad kristin
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Randomize
