i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I just found puke in my bra..
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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