I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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