I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
