those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
