it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
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We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
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Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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