ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
