My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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