my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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