I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
