If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Who died my cat blue again?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
