I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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