I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
