I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
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the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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