This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Randomize
