I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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