things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
