I just pynch a tree in the face
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
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My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
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Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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