Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
