if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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