My liver just broke up with me...
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
too bad you live with your parents still
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
