I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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