I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
