thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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