i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
false alarm. still invincible.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
