i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I just found puke in my bra..
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
