i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
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