I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
