things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
