so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
