shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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