I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
