Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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