Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
