I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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