I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
