just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
