i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
