Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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